Confessions of Recovering Twilighters

Okay. We confess. We read Twilight.
We loved Twilight.


Then Breaking Dawn came out. And we saw the light.

Before we go any further with this blog, we feel it necessary to lay out our feelings about Twilight, since it is currently the hottest thing in vampire lit.


Firstly, we take issue with the whole "Epic Saga" aspect.
People. A review. Harry Potter is epic. The Lord of the Rings is epic.
Twilight is a teenage romance novel, and a pretty poorly executed one at that. We feel that Stephenie Meyer fell into the trap of loving her characters too much, thus condemning her fans to a psychotic, anticlimactic and indecisive piece of prose, that ran for not 1, not 2, but 4 installments.

Now before all the Fangirls go crazy on us, we submit to you a quote from EDWARD CULLEN HIMSELF (Robert Pattinson) on Stephenie and her novels:


"When I read it I was convinced Stephenie was convinced she was Bella and it was like it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published. It was like reading her sexual fantasy, especially when she said it was based on a dream and it was like, 'Oh I've had this dream about this really sexy guy,' and she just writes this book about it. Like some things about Edward are so specific, I was just convinced, like, 'This woman is mad. She's completely mad and she's in love with her own fictional creation.' And sometimes you would feel uncomfortable reading this thing."


His words, not ours.


Secondly, we take issue with her canon.
Throughout history, vampires have been portrayed as powerful, mysterious, and dangerously lethal. Meyer's vampires don't drink human blood and "sparkle". Let's just say, we can hear Bram Stoker rolling over in his grave.
Even so, we RESPECTED Meyer's canon, because it was, in fact, hers.
It's her vampire world, she's entitled to do what she wants with it.
The one thing she's NOT allowed to do as an author, however, is go against her own canon, which she does (see: Breaking Dawn).
We'll provide you non-believers with one of many examples: Throughout the entire series, all we hear about is how violently dangerous newborn vampires are, how uncontrollable they are, heck, there's even an ARMY of newborn vamps sent after Bella in Eclipse. But what happens to Bella when she becomes a newborn?
NOTHING!
That's right, she's essentially managed to do in a few days what took Edward and the rest of the Cullens decades to learn.
We smell a cop out.


The third reason we take issue with Twilight (and the last one we'll give today, though rest assured, the list goes on and on) is the main characters themselves.
Bella, Edward, and Jacob.
a.k.a. Human, Vampire, and Werewolf
a.k.a. Hapless Klutz, Sparkly Stalker, and A Potential Rapist with a Raging fever.


Seriously?




While this post nowhere near expresses the full extent of our Twilight critique, we'll leave it here for now, but leave you with these parting words of wisdom:





See people? Even Sesame Street knew better.